Runners love to extol the virtues of running - the health benefits, the camaraderie, getting to be outdoors. Hell, we might even wax poetic about the mythical runner's high. But let's face it, running sucks. Your lungs burn, you get all sweaty and smelly, and your muscles get tired and sore. Here's a handy guide to keep track of the reasons why running sucks, sorted by race distance and illustrated for your sick amusement.
6 Miles or Less
How running sucks: Burning sensation in lungs, heart beating out of your chest
Mid-race thoughts: "Why *gasp* did I *gasp* run that first mile *gasp* so f$&%ing fast?"
Why running sucks: You're hitting the limit of your VO2 max, which determines how quickly your lungs can take in oxygen and transport it to your muscles. In response to this, your heart rate and breathing both speed up. Which just sucks, doesn't it?
The solution: Run more. Training (sprints in particular) increases your VO2 max, making your heart, lungs, and muscles more efficient. Then on race day, you can suffer at a faster pace.
Mid-race thoughts: "I'm pretty sure my quads are on fire. Or they're going to explode. My quads are going to catch on fire and explode. In that order."
Why running sucks: You're hitting your lactate threshold. Lactic acid is accumulating in your muscles faster than it can be metabolized, which causes a burning/stinging sensation. Some people believe that this causes delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS). These people are wrong.
The solution: Run more. Interval runs teach your muscles to metabolize lactic acid faster, allowing you to race faster, and suffer faster.
Mid-race thoughts: "I must have missed a turn. There's no way the race is really this long. I need to walk for a few minutes."
Why running sucks: You're suffering from glycogen depletion, also known as "bonking" or "hitting the wall." Your body stores sugar in the form of muscle and liver glycogen. You have enough for about 18 miles of running. If you do not eat enough carb-rich food during the race, your body begins to burn fat. This is less efficient than burning sugar, causing you to slow down.
The solution: Run more (and eat more). Training increases your running economy, allowing your glycogen stores to last longer. Eating sugar-rich foods (like gels and sports drinks) during a race replenishes glycogen as well. This allows you to run faster and suffer your way to a better finishing time.
The solution: Run more. Training (sprints in particular) increases your VO2 max, making your heart, lungs, and muscles more efficient. Then on race day, you can suffer at a faster pace.
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| This guy knows what I'm talking about. |
6-18 Miles
How running sucks: Burning sensation in your legsMid-race thoughts: "I'm pretty sure my quads are on fire. Or they're going to explode. My quads are going to catch on fire and explode. In that order."
Why running sucks: You're hitting your lactate threshold. Lactic acid is accumulating in your muscles faster than it can be metabolized, which causes a burning/stinging sensation. Some people believe that this causes delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS). These people are wrong.
The solution: Run more. Interval runs teach your muscles to metabolize lactic acid faster, allowing you to race faster, and suffer faster.
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| Note: if your legs are actually on fire, consult a physician. |
18-30 Miles
How running sucks: Weak feeling in legs, loss of motivationMid-race thoughts: "I must have missed a turn. There's no way the race is really this long. I need to walk for a few minutes."
Why running sucks: You're suffering from glycogen depletion, also known as "bonking" or "hitting the wall." Your body stores sugar in the form of muscle and liver glycogen. You have enough for about 18 miles of running. If you do not eat enough carb-rich food during the race, your body begins to burn fat. This is less efficient than burning sugar, causing you to slow down.
The solution: Run more (and eat more). Training increases your running economy, allowing your glycogen stores to last longer. Eating sugar-rich foods (like gels and sports drinks) during a race replenishes glycogen as well. This allows you to run faster and suffer your way to a better finishing time.
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| It sort of feels like this. |
30-50 Miles
How running sucks: Sharp pain in leg muscles, nausea, general fatigue
Mid-race thoughts: "I need a quick nap before I keep going - twelve hours ought to be enough. I hope there's a saw at the next aid station so I can hack my legs off."
Why running sucks: Muscle fatigue and muscle damage accumulates during a race, especially from eccentric muscle contraction on hilly courses. Lack of blood flow to the digestive tract makes it difficult to process food, leading to nausea and digestive issues. Also, you probably missed nap time, which would make anyone sleepy.
The solution: Run more. Training strengthens your leg and core muscles, allowing them to better withstand the impact of multiple hours of running. Hill training can also improve your running form, allowing you to run your race faster and suffer your way to a podium spot or age group award.
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| This looks like a comfy spot. |
50-100 Miles
How running sucks: Existential dread, hatred of running/life
Mid-race thoughts: "I could be having a barbecue right now. What am I doing with my life? Will I ever feel happiness again? Does happiness even exist?"
Why running sucks: Mental fatigue sets in at some point in every long race. This is your body's way of politely asking for some rest. Some ultra runners refer to the extreme low point of a race as the "pain cave," where negative thoughts almost overwhelm your mind.
The solution: Keep running. These low points are temporary. Eventually they pass, and running becomes enjoyable (or at least more bearable) again. Mental toughness is also improved through training, allowing you to run faster while you're in the pain cave.
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| Lying in a pile of garbage is not a recommended way to recover. |
0 Miles
How (not) running sucks: Crankiness, boredom, inability to sit still
Mid-(not)race thoughts: "I really wish I was running right now."
Why (not) running sucks: Withdrawal
The solution: Go for a run. Or if you're injured, get healthy. Then go for a run.
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| Do you wanna |
In conclusion, running is terrible. The only thing worse than running is not running.
Print this list and keep it with you. Then when your friends invite you to run a 5K, 10K, or the Self Transcendence 3100 Mile Race, you can tell them in scientific terms why that's a terrible idea.
This is a great post! I'm always telling people running sucks, normally right before I go on a run, I wouldn't ever not want to go running. It is hard to put that sentiment into words, but you did so very well.
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